My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
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My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.