What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
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[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?