Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
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Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
HERE’S MARKY
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Don’t touch that.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.