judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
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ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Facebook marketplace is a different world
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.