gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
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Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
What a website
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*