It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
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no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Investing in beetcoin
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.