If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
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Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.