When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
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The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.