Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
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Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
I identify as an antique shop.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.