oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
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If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Every BBC series about the universe.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter