Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
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me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.