Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
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Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.