When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
You Might Also Like
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
“Sheer Arrogance”
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.