That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
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Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
School be like
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Education is vital
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*