“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
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Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth