Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
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Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Customize Your Wedding.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2