HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
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There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
me and the Superbowl rn
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?