[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
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My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
My what?
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.