Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
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*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.