How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
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Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no