A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
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My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage