Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
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Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
I’m Sold!
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin