The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
You Might Also Like
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*