imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
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*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
rise and shine we got egg
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.