Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
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Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
My safe word is Worcestershire
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef