Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
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Rambo Rambow
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.