what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
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Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys