*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
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A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Never go to sleep after making me angry
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition