[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
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Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people