RT if you know someone like this!!!
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I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”