finally found a reasonable question
You Might Also Like
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.