Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
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If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously