[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
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Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.