HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
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I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself