[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
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me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.