Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
You Might Also Like
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]