[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
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Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
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listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
no
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Denise please return my vape pen
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars