If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
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Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
🙂🙃🥹
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.