Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
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The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.