Every time.
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I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
#Caturday
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*