Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
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My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
this is literally a CIA plant