Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
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her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
I’m listening
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.