My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
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and now we wait
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
HELP 😭
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Does it…does it take 3 days