Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
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Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Match dot com, but for socks.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”