People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
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Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses