Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
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Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*