You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
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It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair