It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
You Might Also Like
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
[the middle of showering] I need a break
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.