Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
You Might Also Like
Smooooooth
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
nyc:
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
can’t talk my ride’s here
scrabbled eggs
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?