I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
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Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity